"Find out what you're afraid of and go live there." Chuck Palahniuk

I've been living in a constant state of anxiety for the last 2 months. The only bonus to this is that it maintains my slim figure....because my eating habits sure don't. If I didn't have this constant nervous energy & subsequent upset stomach and I continued to eat the way that I do, I'd weigh 300lbs and never get off the sofa. It would take a crane to get me out of my apartment. I don't think of myself as a "silver-lining-kind-of-girl", but there it is. My slim silver lining.

I'm doing 2 things this weekend that are way outside my comfort-zone. And trust me, I don't get out of my comfort-zone often. So why am I now? Because I'm already in a constant state of anxiety, so why not? And the anxiety I've been experiencing over the last 2 months hasn't been pleasant anxiety...it's an all-thought-consuming anxiety that doesn't turn off when I need to sleep. So, wouldn't it be better to do something to take my mind off the bad anxiety and turn it towards what could be good anxiety?

I've already been outside my comfort zone this week-- Attended the last Royals baseball game at Rosenblatt Stadium with thousands of other fans. Crowds make me nervous. People, in general, piss me off. Why is it the back of my head always gets hit when people are walking behind me? Is my head unusually large? No, I don't think so. Small birds aren't crashing into it.

Crowds and people are why I don't go to the movie theater. It's inevitable that I will sit in front of a person who likes kicking the seat in front of them....or I'll be surrounded by screaming, little children attending a totally inappropriate movie.

This was my big realization last night while I was clutching my purse to my chest, trying to avoid getting my sandaled-feet stepped on (which happend 5 times), and pushing my way through a massive crowd, just to get to the bathroom. I really don't like people. Hell, I can't hardly stand myself. How am I supposed to like thousands of disgusting, rude, sweaty, inconsiderate neanderthals?

If you see me this weekend, just know that while I may look calm on the outside, the inside of my body is in complete torment. It's a tenuous grasp I have on myself right now. Look out. I might blow....up at you or chunks on you. Look out, either way.