"Food has replaced sex in my life; now, I can't even get into my own pants." ~Author Unknown

If the title quote didn't make you laugh, something is seriously wrong with you. Check your pulse. I'm concerned you may be dead.

This is going to be a tough blog to write, but it's something weighing (no pun intended) on my mind lately, and, well, this is my blog and I can write about what I want to write about.  Hate me if you want.

"I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge."  ~Paula Poundstone

I'm a petite person. Always have been and God willing, always will be.  I'm only 5'3. I should be petite. Look at who I come from.  My Dad says he's 5'6 and we let him think that (wink, wink). My younger brother is my height, but much manlier.  My older brother & mother are anomalies. I think my older brother is actually the milk man's son.  No offense Dad, but where the hell did the Greek adonis come from? 

I'm 5'3.  I'm used to weighing a certain amount. A 5'3 person should weigh between 111 & 124lbs. I'm comfortable & supremely happy at 115lbs. I'm at 128lbs today.  That's a 13lb difference from where my comfort & happy scale fall. 

Here's my main issue. It isn't that I am seriously undertoned and out of shape and have a gut the size of Buddha's.  It's that, as a petite person, I'm not allowed to bitch about gaining weight.  I'm so sick & tired of being belittled when I say I've gained 13lbs.  It usually goes something like this:

Me: "I went to the doctor last week & was 125lbs. I went today and I'm 128.6lbs. How the hell did I gain 3lbs in a week?"
Overweight person: "Pshaw! (Roll of eyes)."
Me: "You don't believe me? You want me to strip down naked & show you the rolls I'm sporting under my clothes? To show you the fat ass I'm carrying around under my baggy jeans? Don't tempt me. I'll do it. And then you'll be sorry." 
Overweight person: "Shut up, you skinny bitch."

And that's what I do. That's what I've learned to do. Just shut up. Nobody wants to hear a small person complain about the weight they've gained. Apparently, the only people who can talk about gaining or losing weight are overweight people.  Well, congratulations!  You're forcing me to not talk about something that we ALL should be talking about.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not one of those people.  I don't count calories.  If I did, I think it'd literally scare the shit out of me. Which might not be such a bad idea... I eat what I want. All that I want. When I want. I haven't exercised in over a year, but when I do, I don't go fanatical about it.  I'm not the P90X infomercial dude.  "Let's get ripped!"  No, no thanks. I think I just want to lose my fat rolls and lard ass and get toned.  I don't count what goes in and what comes out. Could you imagine? I can't. It makes me cringe to think there are girls out there who weigh their shit.  Weigh. Their. Shit. Those poor, poor girls. Don't they know there's something better to be doing? Like not weighing their shit?

No, I'm not one of those people. But-- I am disgusted by how I feel. I am disgusted when I look down at my belly and it looks like I'm with-child (And for the record, I am not. You actually have to have sex in order to get pregnant and as we all know, that isn't happening).  I am disgusted that my leg shakes when I have the clutch pushed in.  Can you say seriously-out-of-shape? I can't even drive my car without what-little-muscles-I-have going into convulsions.  I am disgusted that I can't hardly carry my groceries up 2 flights of stairs anymore, though I credit some of that to my 1-pack-a-day-nicotine-habit. 

Yes, I am disgusted with myself.  And dammit, I'm going to bitch & moan & complain about it until my heart's content.  Overweight people do not have the claim over all weight-issue-bitching. 

So there you have it.  I'm fat. And I'm pissed off. Not a good combination.  This is my new mantra:

"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."  ~Author Unknown.  Ain't that the truth? Ahhhh, but my lasagna and 5-Cheese Texas Toast sure do taste good.  And so does the hamburger & black olive pizza I just ordered by Godfather's. And so do the 7 boxes of cookies I just bought from the Girl Scouts.  I can't let all of that good food go to waste! Or is it "let it go to my waist..." I can't decide.  Maybe I'll just try this...."When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away.  But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later.  Be careful, though, because Raid really doesn't taste that bad."  ~Janette Barber.

As of right now, I'm not motivated to do anything. I'm not motivated to stop eating all that crap. I'm not motivated to exercise. I'm motivated to sit on my couch and stare glassy-eyed at my t.v.  My goal is, once March rolls around, to start exercising. Holy crap, that's next week!  *sigh*  I'll never stop eating the way I eat.  My God, the doctor just told me to "keep doing what you're doing" because my cholesterol and all that shit is so good. Little does she know, right?  She's trying to kill me anyway, so maybe that's her plan.  "Yes, keep doing what you're doing and you'll be right back in here with more digestive problems, blocked arteries, and bad knees!" 

I guess I better start getting motivated. It doesn't do any person any good to just bitch and bitch and bitch about something and not try to solve it.  I think the only people who should be allowed to complain about being overweight are those people who actually try to lose it.  If you're trying and it still isn't working, bitch away my friend, bitch away.