I've had a rough two days. Friday night Craig stayed with me and I told him what was going on. He was, at least, honest with me about how he felt - like he needed to be careful. Meaning, with his feelings.
Well, hell, that doesn't really make me want to be completely honest with him about what's going on in my fucked up brain, does it?
I don't want my disease to run him away, though I wouldn't blame him if he did. I'd blame myself, per usual. And I don't want to keep anything from him because then I feel like I'm not being honest. So it's a Catch-22; screwed if I do, screwed if I don't.
I don't have to share every little fact with him, as I do on these blogs to you, dear readers. I can just give him a small glimpse into this crazy head of mine.
When I talked to him last night and told him I wasn't working today, he just said, "Oh". Not "what's going on". Not "what can I do to help" Not "do you need to come out here". None of that. Just "Oh". I just told him I was having a rough day. Oh, if he only knew how rough.
He's already "good morning"'d me, but I don't hold out much hope that I'll hear much more the rest of the day. I sent him my new calendar post: "If I still had a soul, you'd be its mate". I thought it was cute, appropriate and funny. He didn't respond to it.
Now, shouldn't a man who has strong feelings for a woman want to do anything to help her; to save her?
It makes me wonder if he's the right man for the job. Like Marilyn Monroe said, "if you can't take me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." Damn straight.
If you can't handle a couple of days of freaking out, crying, wanting to kill myself, catatonic-me, then you don't deserve me at my best. And my best is coming, dammit.
The whole thing just cracks me up. I'm already a little cracked, but this makes me laugh. "If you can't handle me wanting to kill myself".....well, who could. Nobody can handle that. Nobody understands. Nobody I know has been there except one friend hundreds of miles away. But I know there are men out there who would drop any damn thing they're doing and come running to be with me.
Because I am worth it, dammit.
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1 comment:
oh, yes you are so worth it. Keep saying you are worth it. Think of Ben's birthday coming up. Want to throw a party with a pinata. We can do pin the tail on the donkey too.
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