We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

I recently met with Dave, my previous boss/pastor/friend (well, he's still my friend, but you get the picture) and mentioned to him, "I should write a book about everything you said to me that stuck". I say it that way, because I'm sure there is a lot he tried to teach me, which didn't stick.....like how to be nice, compassionate, caring. So below are several "Dave-isms" that stuck.


What Jack says about John tells you more about Jack than it does about John.

This is a number one Dave-ism. If you don't understand it in its simplicity, I will try to explain. People who gossip, which is hurtful speech about another person, say more about themselves than about the person they're "discussing". It's easier explained by this Chinese Proverb: "The man who comes with a tale about others has himself an ax to grind." We hear a lot of complaints and griping and just plain bitchiness where we work. All of us on staff feel it. But when I hear about a woman bitching at my custodian about what another staff person is wearing, I know she isn't really bitching about that. She's upset about something else and taking it out on him. Or maybe she's not comfortable in her own skin or how she dresses and so she vents about another person. We hate in other people the things we hate most in ourselves. That's my own quote. Feel free to quote me elsewhere.

Enough with the explanation. This Dave-ism has helped me tremendously in dealing with people and in helping other people deal with hurtful talk. I have a feeling I'll be using it the rest of my life. Along with the next Dave-ism:

Is this a hill I want to die on?
I've actually blogged about this Dave-ism before. I wanted to know what your "stop & think" strategy was. Apparently, you don't have any because I didn't hear from you. But this has become mine. It's something I say to myself when I'm upset about something at work and have to stop & think, is this something worth fighting for? Is this something worth bleeding for? Will fighting for this achieve what is best, or will it end up causing more damage than good? I use this daily. D.A.I.L.Y.

Get to the point where you're o.k. with whatever they decide.
Or, as I like to say, Get to the point where you just don't care. I obviously haven't been able to grasp this Dave-ism as he fully intended, but I keep trying. Guess what? Sometimes people disagree with my ideas. Shocking, isn't it? And sometimes I feel like, "If I agreed with you then we'd both be wrong", but I have to let the church, the "body", make their own decisions. It isn't about me. It isn't about my ego. It's about what's best for the church. But sometimes I still feel like they're wrong.

We're not hired to do everything, but to give opportunities to create leaders.
Oooh, this is a tough one. As a staff person at the church, I feel a responsibility to be the best that I can be and to do the best job that I can. If that means taking care of things I normally wouldn't take care of, that's what I do. Part of it is a perceived feeling that the congregation expects staff to be all and do all; that they pay us to be here 24-7. And, in reality, there are those in the congregation who actually do expect us to cater to their every whim. These are people I'd like to kick in the crotch. They perpetuate my feeling like I have to do everything, even though I know that's wrong. I have gotten better about this. I've learned to delegate and to say, "I think that's a great idea. Why don't you get a team together and hash it out?" O.k. I haven't ever actually said this...it's been more like, "Ummmm, I don't think I can do that" or "Sorry, I'm out of town that day". I'm much better at avoidance than delegating. It's a flaw...or a gift. BUT, I am great at helping other staff person's realize they don't have to do everything themselves. That it's actually better to ask for volunteers to assist them or lead something in order to grow mature Christians. It's much easier to stand on the outside and see a clearer picture. It's more difficult when you're in the picture.

And last, but not least:

Apologize, apologize, apologize
What's the saying? It's easier to ask permission than to apologize, or it's easier to apologize than ask permission? I think it's the latter. Do what you think is best, and if it bites you in the ass later, apologize, apologize, apologize. I think I've said "I'm sorry" more at this work place than at any other. And do you know why? Because people call me on my behavior. Well, they used to. Dave used to. I think everybody else is too afraid of little 'ol me or maybe I'm just so dang perfect, I have nothing to apologize for. Scheeeeyeah, right. I do miss that about Dave. He'd tell me like it is. If I was pissed at him, and he could tell, he'd call me on it. He'd say, "my favorite nickname which I can't post on here because then you'd know my last name, I know you're mad at me, but get over it". We'd talk. All would be well. And isn't that a sign of a great boss? That I could be pissed off at him, he'd laugh at me and tell me to get over it, and we'd be buds again...Oh, how I miss that. But I'm getting off topic. Saying "I'm sorry" will get you a lot further at the end of the day. And let's face it, you'll feel better afterwards. I buy chocolate & say I'm a big idiot. People love chocolate.

I'm not sure I can say this is a Dave-ism, since it's actually a Paul-ism, but it is something he guided me to: Paul's letters in the New Testament. I blogged about this earlier...about our internal conflict. When I'm confused, hurt, broken, struggling, whatever...I turn to Paul. And while I had read the Bible plenty of times before and even taken several Bible studies, it was Dave's direction and interpretation that helped me understand my own internal struggle so much easier.

On that note, "I can neither confirm nor deny the presence of nuclear weapons at this base".