“I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.”—Fannie Lou Hamer

OK, my last two posts have seemed kind of morbid and that was totally unintentional. So here's something to lighten the mood.

It's that time of year when everyone is sick. And the local media is so helpful letting us know we're going to get sick now!

So here are my "stay-healthy-and-avoid-human-contact-in-one" suggestions:

1. Purchase a cool Haz-Mat suit, complete with face mask & hood. You'll not only avoid getting sick, you'll scare the crap out of everybody in the grocery store, gas station, church, or anywhere you happen to go when you're wearing it. You can even go further and when you're perusing the aisles of your local grocery store, periodically shout out, "Contamination in Aisle 3! Everybody evacuate!" You'll probably be first in the check out line.

2. No more human contact! Bump fists, elbows, or hips. That's hips, not pelvises, you pervs. No hugs. No kisses. This is excellent for me. Just say, "Sorry, don't want to spread those nasty germs!"

3. OK, if you absolutely have to touch people, like I apparently have to in church, make sure you have antibacterial gel strapped to your hip like a gun. Immediately after shaking hands, giving a hug, or patting someone's shoulder, whip that gel out and disinfect yourself immediately. Slather it all over yourself....not just your hands. Eat it if you have to. I'm thinking about creating my own anti-bacterial-gel-bubble that I'll live in for the next 6 months. Great for resisting H1N1 and human contact.

4. Pump your body full of every kind of vitamin and herbal supplement you can. Vitamin C, Emergen-C, Garlic, Zinc, whatever. Take them all. I take 3 vitamins a day already. I'm expanding to include 50 more. This will also help eliminate human contact because I'm sure if you take a ton of Garlic supplement, your pores will eek out garlic-smell. This will repel people. Trust me. I've tried it. It works.

5. Stay home. Do not go outside for anything. Germs can fly! OK, I don't know that for certain. But I would assume staying in your own Lysol-disinfected-antibacterial-gel-happy-home is safer than being outside with all those sick-o's. Have your groceries delivered and make the delivery boy leave them on your doorstep and spray Lysol around the vicinity before you open the door. This is also good for scaring your neighbors. Especially if you live in an apartment.

What are your "stay-healthy and avoid-human-contact" ideas? What are you doing to stay healthy and avoid the H1N1, stomach flu, respiratory flu and whatever else is breeding right now?