"I felt it shelter to speak to you." ~Emily Dickinson

My therapist asked me why I liked Craig. That was easy.

He's hilarious.
He's good looking.
He's a good conversationalist.
He's a good listener.
He cooks. (Bonus!)
He's got his shit together - job, house, etc.
We're compatible regarding finances, children, etc.
He tries.....he tries to understand, he tries to make me feel better, he tries.
He brings me coffee in bed.
He's an awesome kisser.

I could go on & on. It's easy to think of reasons why I like him. But when she asked me why he liked me, I came up with, "I'm funny". "I've got a nice ass and tits".

Yep. That's what I came up with.

So, I asked him. Now, you have to realize, he's a ponderer, so it takes him awhile to think of things and even when he does think of things, he can't explain them worth shit. So, here we go.

First he said, and I quote, "You're nice to me"; "You're sweet" (what a lie); "You're easy prey, lol".

I let that go for about a day. Then I told him how important it was to me and my wellness to really know why. Because I honestly don't. I'm not even easy prey - he is! I'm difficult prey, if anything.

So the new list is this:

I'm generous and caring (for example, when he stays here, I have drawers available for him. I get him coffee in the morning. I'm thinking of what he needs.)
I'm understanding (especially about his lack of being able to explain things)
I'm funny.
I'm sexy.
I'm a good kisser (glad we're compatible there!)
And last, but not least, I make him smile. Yet when asked why, he can't explain it. Go figure.

I see a lot of characteristics (?) that pertain to him, not me. So I need to dig down a little deeper into his psyche. Or I just go with, he's just lonely and wants someone and anyone would do. I just happen to be anyone.

Then I pull out the list of positive characteristics all of you gave me not that long ago and I read through those and think, "Well, shit, why wouldn't he want to be with me?!? I'm fucking awesome!" LOL I don't really think that. I still think all of you were lying and so is he and I'm really just a piece of shit who shouldn't exist on this earth.

I asked my therapist why I thought that way about myself. I used Craig as an example. He's so confident in what he does. I am a clerk at a gas station and I"m anything but confident. He's a bit overweight and it doesn't bother him at all. That would set me into a workout frenzy. Or not. Or I'd just eat more. So his thinking is totally different from mine. He thinks he's fine. I think I'm not. Why? Why? Why? I want to know. My therapist said I'd probably never know. It could be nature, it could be natural (chemisty), it could be a conglomeration of things. I'll probably never know. Well, shit fuck.

So instead I have to focus on changing my thinking. How long have I been focusing on that? LOL. It's so hard to change what you think of yourself after thinking it for so damn long. I'm a worthless piece of shit has been my self-esteem for ages. Now I'm suddenly supposed to change that and think I am worthy of love and that I'm not a piece of shit? Well hell. I'm screwed then.