"It's important to vent your frustrations. But you have to recognize the appropriate time and place to vent and blow off steam. For me it’s anytime, anyplace."-- Maxine

My own quote for the day: "Just because I understand doesn't mean I'm not frustrated and burned out." 

This is going to be a learning blog.  If you don't want to learn something, stop reading. But you never know! I could throw in something completely and totally witty. So funny, you'll pee your pants laughing.

Don't get your hopes up.

Burn out is defined as the experience of long-term exhaustion and diminished interest. It isn't recognized by the DSM, but I think it's "real".  The DSM didn't think a lot of psychological disorders were "real" for a long, long time...but they do now. 

The standard for measuring burn-out is a three dimensional description of exhausion, cynicism, and inefficacy.  Yeah, I had to look up 'inefficacy', too. Don't feel bad.  My own dictionary doesn't even have the word because my dictionary is 1,000 years old. I'm surprised it has the word "computer" in it, but it does have 'efficacious' meaning "producing or capable of producing a desired effect", so inefficacy means "not able to produce the desired effect". Just go with it. 

I just had a thought. If I could have written my college graduate papers like I write this blog, I would have gotten a 4.0. Just a side note. On another side note, so you don't think I'm a total idiot, I did get a 3.885.  Close, but no cigar. 

Back to the definition: exhausion, cynicism, inefficacy. 

Exhausion: Check.  Remember those blogs when I would say I was the first person up in the morning and how much I loved it?  Guess what? I'm still the first person up.  BUT, it takes a lot of effort. And all I want to do is stay in bed.  Could have something to do with the fact that it's 62 degrees in my apartment and I'm warm & cuddly in my bed, but I don't think so.  I'm one of those people who, when the alarm goes off, I literally jump out of bed.  Jump.  Scares the crap out of the cats.  Now, not so much.  I linger. I hit snooze. On my days off....no alarm.  I still wake up at 5AM....and growl at the clock.  Then 6AM. Then 7AM. Sometimes I get up early. Sometimes not.  I could literally stay in bed all day. 

Don't freak out.......Dad.  I'm not depressed.  If I were depressed, I'd be crying incessantly for no apparent reason. I'd be calling you non-stop wondering why I'm unloveable (I don't wonder anymore...I think we all know why).  I'd be cutting off everybody in my life.  Not happening.  This isn't depression. This is something else.

Cynicism: Check.  But I've always been cynical, so I'm not sure this is a good definition for my burn-out.  It's maybe become more prominent since working at the church due to the fact that I cannot believe some "Christians" would behave the way they do and people who treat the church like their personal social service agency, but come on. As soon as I started working at the church, it was known that I have a 'black heart'.  Damn straight and rightfully so.  Cynicism.  Deep, deep cynicism. But that's from years of experience. 

Inefficacy: Check.  This could be described as disengagement...the antithesis of engagement: energy, involvement, efficacy.  Opposite.  No energy. Little to no involvement. Diminished interest.  Not producing the desired effect. Why? Because....what's the point? What am I doing? Who am I doing it for? What good is it doing?  Does anybody appreciate it? Nope, no they don't. They resent me.  I'm Toby on "The Office". Michael hates Toby.  I'M. TOBY.  I love being Toby. That's who I am. But I do not love being hated.  I do not love being the person who says, "Ummmm, I don't think you can do that." Or "Hmmm, probably not a good idea."  Nope, I do not like being that person.  But that's who I am. Literally. That's me. 

I'm tired of it. 

After reading the description on Wikipedia (because that's where I get all my information), I think this is what I'm experiencing.  My quote at the beginning again, "Just because I understand, doesn't mean I'm not frustrated and burned out".  I understand the situation. Totally and completely. That doesn't mean I like it. That doesn't mean I'm not frustrated by it. That doesn't mean I'm not sick & tired of it.  That certainly doesn't mean I'm happy about it. 

What will I do? Power through, dammit.  Because what else can I do? Try to find little enjoyable moments in each day. Stay connected to the people who make me laugh. Hide behind a facade that "everything's o.k." because that's what people want to hear.  Everybody does it. Any anybody who tells you they don't, is lying.

Damn, I really wanted to end on a  hilariously funny note. 

I'll use Maxine: "Yelling really loud can sometimes ease tension…and sometimes it makes everyone else in the library jump out of their skin."